Passion: This Is All: The Red Pillow Box

I love Caroline.  I really do.  And I miss her.  But Payton (and I realize I really do need to stop blaming my new school for everything) and the kids there totally changed how I feel about Latin.  It's not even that this is what Payton kids think.  But to me there seem to be two groups of people at Latin: people who are fake.  They fake everything.  All emotion, all passion, it's all fake.  It makes me think of lawyers or... well adults.  They realize there will no doubt in their lives about who they are, no real sadness and harshness and misery, and they are.... content?  Yet something about them...  I hate it.  The other group is shallow.  These girls feel... but don't know what it is to feel.  It's like Miss America- they want world peace, and cry about the death of loved ones, but it's not... I don't know.  I can't even figure out why it's wrong.  But it just doesn't feel right when I'm around them.  It's the environment at Latin, maybe even the teachers have been desensitized, that I've grown to loathe.  


But Caroline.  I don't know if she's always been this way, or if I never noticed because I was (and maybe still am) Latin.  She's the one I wish I could relate to the most.  But she's cool now.  And not like cool as in full of herself, but cool as in frigid.  Like smooth, cool metal- no blemishes, lots of beauty, but unfeeling.  Empty and devoid of warmth.  I wish I could see the good in her.  She's bright, sweet, funny, but I feel that there's no real inside.  Nothing that could really care for me anymore.  And sure she'll act like she does, but I can tell.  She's hardly better than those boys at Starbucks that ignore me.  O I wish I had a friend as close as I thought we were.  As I wish we were.


Which brings us to the last thing we could bond over- reading.  She proves that reading fast is a blessing, because she reads thoroughly as well.  She reads the way people yearn to read- thoroughly, not skipping or tripping over bits of text, yet at a pace that can keep up with the suspense.  Unfrustrating.  If theres one thing I envy about who she was born to be, minus the gifts her parents could tack on, it's this talent.  


I bring all this up because I just got a book.  And I was afraid.  Afraid it would be a book to me as Eragon was, or any other story I detested because of Caroline's fake love for.  I can recognize that now.  This obsession that lacks passion- 这让我 revolted.  And when I was little, this is what we all envied and strived for.  Obsession.  We believed it was passion, but in truth it was cold.  There was no beauty here.  And Latin doesn't condition us away from such things, not infantile- infantality is something all people must go through and it's to be treasured, but imitation pleasure from obsession.  There's a distinction between learning and true passion for what you are being educated.  We were taught to love educating, learning and all, but we were never taught to truly be passionate about such things.  And the "smart" children- they are told they are the best.  And this is the closest to feeling Latin kids can get.  


Sorry to get off topic, this really irks me and I simply must write it down before I forget.  This understanding... or what I believe to be.  But anyway, this book was long.  Long books were a sure sign of obsession- we wanted to read the longest, most "advanced" books we could lay a hand on, no telling how much they sucked (like ttyl or maybe even the Series of Unfortunate Events, but I do believe I enjoyed that for real).  This book looked like it.  I'm sure such books can be enjoyable, but even thinking of them for their length is an area I stray far from- and to rid temptation I really haven't read long books in a while.  But I tried this one- hesitantly.  It surprised me.  It's more like four short books, and I've only read the first one.  It's purposed (not a word) to be read slowly I think, and to be enjoyed.  I identify so much with this girl.  Not for her personality, but her life.  Her need for awareness and understanding of herself is something I've spent long times searching for in my life (teenagers).  But I feel more passionate about this than others do, at least I think so.


And her boyfriend.... can I help but compare Chris to him?  Chris, who told me he was mine last night. The way she describes her love in the beginning... I only hope it can go halfway as far with us.  The way she felt though, about Shakespeare and cheesiness that no longer seemed disgusting felt good.  I can identify with these things, and I feel like more lengthy reading of the story ahead will give me insight of my own life, as much as it scares me.  So I will read it slow, one story at a time, unrushed by Caroline's summer reading challenge, in hope it will give me the understanding and consciousness that we both so yearn for.  I felt like I would feel regret without Caroline- my best friend for all intents and purposes for 10 youthful, happy years (for I must admit, I knew no better but to I enjoy my youth, because I lacked the reason to detest it, though something underlying might have been present).  This letting go of her though.... I feel relief.  I'm sorry for ever holding you back, dearest Caroline.  I wish you only the best- for what is best for you, I realize, is 100% different for what I need in my life.  You find all you need of passion in obsession, and I'm sorry it can't fulfill me anymore, so much I can't even stand it.  But I've always loved you.

Virals 2: Seizure

So I read Seizure and yup, it was really good.  I loved how halfway through you thought it was the end, but then it just kept going.  It's one of those books you never want to end, and you keep getting so happily surprised that it's NOT the end.  I don't think the next one will be so good, the ending doesn't really lend itself to a triquel (I think that makes it a good ending- better than so many others.  It ends and you aren't left asking for more of the same series, just wanting more amazingness from the author).