Writing: The Legitimacy of My Dim Future Prospects (a Rebel Post)

Humm so I really shouldn't write this.  This blog is for me right?  As much as I wish people would see this... but anyways.

I feel like writing, and sometimes I really don't, and that's when I write my shitty posts.  But I should savor the mood while it's here right?

I've written little stories.  Well, first chapters of big ones.  I wish I was home now so I could add to one, but there you go, I'm here, so you're stuck with this odd post that doesn't belong and breaks my rules.  You know, I can't storyboard.  I like writing with purpose, but I can never stick to a story board, especially when I'm writing scripts for school projects (movies and such).  I always get better ideas as I write, which is why it's so fun.  It's a spontaneous thing.  But I also can't write without a prompt.  That's why I wanted to be a journalist.  I could write about anything, I just love to write, and I love my "writing style" as my English teacher calls it.  Well, to be honest, I don't really like my writing style, but I like writing in it.  Reading it just sounds too immature.  You know when you read a fiction book and it's just immature and dumbly written, and it just sounds wrong?  Well, someone published it, which means someone finds it good.  And it's not like how I write in my blog posts, this is a totally different word vomit style that sucks ass, but it just feels good to write.

So I also like editing people's papers, and changing them so they aren't immature (I'm not even sure if that's the write word) sounding.  I like changing them INTO my writing style, which is wrong and ruins the "integrity" of their writing or whatever shit, but I enjoy it.  That's why I wanted to be an editor, but I'd be the worst editor ever.  I don't mind writing long paragraphs and defending the changes I make into the way I want it to be, but they aren't entirely comprehensible.  It's just the way I want it in my own head, not the way anyone else might like it, so yeah.

This is the only form of creativity I really have, is changing things already started into my own.  It's the only part of me that reassures me that I'm not just a robot, an terrible, automaton academic who has not a single original thought in her mind.  That's why I love to write, why I'd want to make a career of it.  But like all artists, my mood to create this comes and goes, and most often goes.  And nothing good comes out if it's gone.  I can edit most times, sure, I'm in that mood usually unless I'm exhausted, and even then sometimes, but I'm hardly ever in the mood to write my own writing instead of just changing something that isn't mine.

So yeah, that's why a career in an English related business wouldn't be good for me, why I've racked my brains again and again... I love this writing, it's the only passion I have, but it's not solid, and it's not legitimate.  Which is why I turn to math and science, which seem to have dead ended for me.  I find them kind of interesting I guess, but nothing passionate, and I'm nothing special in them, no matter what anyone thinks.  My future.  Can anyone find somewhere I can go with it?  I can't fix myself, I want to be true to myself and my passion, but it's not productive, it's not legitimate.

Beautiful Creatures

So I saw the movie trailer for this and was like... this looks silly.  Then they were like "based off the book" and I was like yay!! Because it was really awesome, exactly my type you know.

I pictured her like Emily the Strange, she was so... awesomesauce.  Just by being her coolness.  He was cool too! He was so sweet and loyal and loving and it was such a good story, because the characters were so awesome.  And Macon and Amma were perfect caregiving characters too.  I loved how it wasn't as weird as some stories with odd explanations.  I don't like reading straight explanations, I like this type of explanation, where the story explains it, and you get to be the main character's eyes too.

It was literally the perfect book for me pretty much.  Definitely recommended.

But also, I find it weird that these are really the first two books I've read about modern Confederate states (I mean, former Confederate) and the traces the Civil War left on them, and these books were right next to each other.  The social dynamic (big words, don't know meanings, just context kinda sorta) between the gossiping women in the DAR and such is really interesting.  And we were learning about Reconstruction in class, which is why that aspect of The Noah Confessions caught my eye.

So yup, coincidence, and awesome awesome book :D

The Noah Confessions

Not quite sure how I feel about this one.  I only really liked her parent's stories, but this one also blurred the line between parent and kid, particularly because I could hardly keep either straight.  Whose mother we were talking about and whose daughter and whose grandmother all kinda got confused to me, so um yeah.  And there were a lot of them.  But that's just cause I'm silly and scatterbrained and I try to think about too many books/life all at once!  Which I can't do, I'm surprisingly un-womanlymultitasking about that kinda thing.  So I digress.  But I only really liked her parents' part because her writing style sounded really immature to me.  I mean, I get that (I'mahypocrite) she was supposed to be immature in the beginning, but the whole time I felt like her parents just sounded much nicer and cool and likeable than her.  And she kinda lorded over than them like she was "taking care" of her dad.  So yeah anyway, it was good though :) Hard to put down (in the parental parts ;) )

Jumping Off Swings

I almost forgot to post this one!!

So I read this about... a week ago exactly xD (Instead of doing homework you know).  This is one of those books that confirms my (sometimes) belief that people just suck.

Here's my problem.  Everyone in this book had a quality that made me utterly hate them.  It wasn't trivial things like smoking and drinking.  Ellie, I was going to like her but she ended up being like "I sleep around to find someone who cares about me." I started to love Corinne because she put up with that, but I couldn't see why she didn't get super angry.  I mean, I loved her for not, but I sympathized with the part of her that was exasperated.  I think part of my problem is a "I need to get laid" type of thing.  I feel like you can't let someone do that to you after one night, or just a little while.  I don't trust myself to let it happen... especially because I'm just a kid, and there are people like her who just get hurt.  Even though it's hard for me to imagine preventing it if Chris asked.  Okay, maybe I'm a huge hypocrite.  But I felt like she totally just threw herself away and was leeching off Corrine.

So then Corrine.  I started to like her, but she got so defensive of Ellie and kinda fucked Caleb over.  Like she had trust in him at the beginning, but then she just let all that go because Ellie got upset over something small, and wouldn't believe him pretty much because he was a boy.  That's also the reason I didn't like Liz, she also kinda fucked over Caleb, her own son, for these two girls.  Like, they all hated him because he was a boy.

I kinda got that at the beginning, because Josh... Well, he's okay, but he never really let out his side of the story.  He was sort of a happy ending waiting to happen that never happened.  He could've jumped in at the hospital, or at the beginning and helped her out with the abortion.  She needed to give him another chance, yes, but I still feel like he just never made it and really should've anyway.  I liked him before that though.

So Caleb.  At first I was kind of like meh about him, he had this amazing mom (who I kinda was against later) and didn't really appreciate it, plus he liked the wrong girl.  But I feel like he cared for her like Corrine and no one acknowledged him for it.  He didn't have any qualities that I could hate...  And he was really sweet and supposedly really cute.  Everyone just hated him though because they grouped him with all the assholes, because all the boys in the book were assholes. But it was the same thing with the girls, they were all gossiping bitches.  Like, there were NO nice outsiders.

Maybe the point was that everyone has issues, but there are always reasons behind them.  No one is thoroughly likeable, so you can't get too specific and only like the nice ones?  Or the ones you think are nice? That people make mistakes and deserve second chances... but not to the point like Ellie.

The other thing I liked his how parents and kids were blurred.  Like the story of all the parents was there.  And then Ellie was kinda a parent.  So it was kinda like... parents aren't perfect either.

Anyway, I could go on forever, and I gotta nap.  Seeya.